


Planet of The Disney Apes

by MackDreamer



Series: Planet of The Disney Apes [1]
Category: Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Movies)
Genre: Beware! Apes in dresses!, Darts, Disney gets roasted, Funny, Hating on Disney, Humor, I might continue this because I like this, Insults, Koba roasts Red, Making fun of the characters, Not much of relationships here but hinted Red x Winter!, One Shot, Other, Peter is a Little Shit, Pope and BeardFace from the comics are mentioned!, Random One-Shot, Tea parties and cookies, There's nothing good on TV!, Who said guys can't be pretty?, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 16:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21305186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MackDreamer/pseuds/MackDreamer
Summary: This is a revised One-Shot I wrote a few months back.The apes discover they now belong to Disney.Please let me know if you'd like this to be conitnued as a fun, one-shot series!
Series: Planet of The Disney Apes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721239
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	Planet of The Disney Apes

EDIT 11/3/2019: This one-shot was orginally written several months back but it felt unfinished and it was only now that I had new ideas to add to it so here we go! (Some of you may recognize this from my Tumblr and DevaintArt accounts!)

The following is a humorous one-shot of some of the PoTA characters reacting to the news of being bought by Disney and the possible fourth movie while poking fun at the characters. Doesn’t really follow the usual setting for the PoTA universe, just something random to laugh at.

Enjoy!

~~~~~~~

_Thump!_ “Allie like tea?” Bad Ape asked his plush alligator (which he apparently named it ‘Ali’…Of course he’d give that old thing a name) as he offered it a plastic tea cup.

_Thump!_

“Why isn’t there anything good on to watch?” Complained McCullough, as he flipped through the TV stations.

“Looney Tunes is on.” Suggested Preacher, though he looked uncomfortable sitting on the couch next to the Colonel.

“That’s for children.” McCullough remarked. “Besides, it might give Donkey and One Eye ideas.”

Caesar wasn’t sure why he was so annoyed. The longer he sat on the floor, the more he wanted to break something…Particularly, McCullough’s skull…But wait, he always felt like doing that!

Hmm…Then maybe what he wanted to break was the blasted tea set that Bad Ape had found and insisted on having a tea party with his plush alligator…No, that’s too mean!

All Bad Ape did was invite-no! Drag him and Winter into playing with him…To be honest, Caesar didn’t object because he couldn’t find a good reason not to and he couldn’t refuse after seeing Bad Ape’s pure joy of finding it.

Besides, Rocket was baking cookies and offered to give them to Bad Ape for their little tea party! Ever since the balding chimpanzee discovered the oven and the magic of cookie mix, he’s turned the kitchen into a cookie factory.

Caesar guessed that Bad Ape only invited Winter so he wouldn’t feel left out but Winter likely only said yes because he knew Bad Ape was, more than likely, the only one in the room who won’t manipulate him or try to kill him.

_Thump!_

No, it wasn’t the tea party or McCullough’s presence that was annoying him…It was Koba and Red playing darts….And using _HIS_ picture as the target!

_What will stop them from using the real thing? _He wondered bitterly._ Why does Red and Koba have darts anyway?…Why does Bad Ape have a tea set and why does Winter have a Barbie doll collection?_

Wait, why is any of this happening?

Preacher glanced around nervously, trying to think of another suggestion. “Ok, uhh…What about King Kong? That’s not for kids.”

McCullough snorted. “We’re living with King Kong, Preacher-and there’s more than one!”

Just then, the front door slammed open. “Father?!”

Blue Eyes.

_Finally! Someone who doesn’t want to kill me or isn’t childish!_

“Blue Eyes?” Caesar called back.

Blue Eyes ran into the room and paused at the scene before him. Eyes darting from his father sitting on the floor with Winter and Bad Ape, McCullough and Preacher on the couch and Red and Koba behind them.

“Uhh…What going on?” He asked, not sure what he had just walked in to.

Before Caesar could answer, Bad Ape exclaimed: “It a tea party!” Which, of course, prompted snickers from Koba and Red.

“You mean YOU’RE having a tea party!” McCullough corrected. “The rest of us here are relaxing like REAL men!”

A bing suddenly came from he kitchen and then Rocket, sounding every bit like the ape-reincarnation of the Cookie Monster himself, squealed: “COOKIES!!!” Very shortly after, he appeared with a platter full of the chocolate chip goods.

“Well…Some of us, anyway.” McCullough muttered grumpily.

Blue Eyes, still not sure what to make of the unusual scene, blinked. “…Ok…” Then he remembered why he was there at all. “Fox! Sold us!”

Now it was Caesar’s turn to be confused. “What?” He asked.

McCullough, barely listening shrugged. “So we’re moving studios. Big deal-“

“DISNEY bought us!!!” Blue Eyes blurted out, causing everyone to gasp. Even Koba and Red dropped their darts.

“Disney?” Caesar stood up, forgetting all about the tea party. “You mean the-?”

“Yes!” Answered Blue Eyes with growing panic.

“With the-“

“Yes!”

Caesar’’s eyes went wide. “Then-!”

“YESSSS!” Blue Eyes screeched in terror.

Caesar felt his own panic rising at that point. “Oh no…!”

But Blue Eyes wasn’t done.“They’re making. FOURTH MOVIE!!!”

If the others weren’t scared before, they definitely were now. The only one who wasn’t hooting like the other apes, or saying ‘no’ like McCullough, was Bad Ape. He picked up his alligator plush.

“What going on?” He asked it.

He made the stuffed animal turn to the others and back to himself and then shake it’s head. As if to say ‘I don’t know.’

Bad Ape hummed in thought. “Join in?” He asked.

He shook the plush up and down in a nodding motion.

“Ok!” Bad Ape replied before making panicked hoots of his own.

“Guys please!” Turns out, Preacher was the only one, other than Bad Ape who wasn’t panicking. “We don’t need to panic here!-We all know what happens when we panic!”

“Oh look who’s suddenly more than just a yes-man!” Snarked McCullough as he too stood up from the couch.

Preacher frowned at him. “So would you rather have Koba make a death list, Red pick up fights with everyone, Winter’s old phobias return, Rocket to eat all the cookie-dough ice cream we have, Caesar act grumpy all the time and sigh ‘why me?’ when he’s alone and you to drink yourself into a stupor instead of talking about this like ‘real men’?”

That left McCullough speechless for a moment. “That doesn’t happen when we’re stressed-!”

“Not! Stressed!” Rocket interjected. Before inching his way back into the kitchen. “…Want. Ice cream. Now…” He added before disappearing back inside.

….Maybe they should stop buying the cookie mix and ice cream for a while…

“I told you that would happen.” Snarked Preacher.

“Shut up, Preacher.” Red growled in annoyance.

Preacher whirled around at the gorilla. “See! Now _you’re_ doing it!”

“Am not!” Red argued before suddenly noticing Koba was no longer with him and glanced around for the scarred bonobo. “Kob-“

Just as suddenly as Koba disappeared, he reappeared with two guns and handed one to the startled and confused Red. “Get gun!” He yelled out, which equally startled everyone else.

“Koba, what are you-“ Koba answered before Caesar could finish the question.

“Going! To war!” Koba exclaimed. “Kill! Mouse! Kill! All! Of them!”

Realization set in to what he meant. Caesar and Blue Eyes glanced at each other in fear and Winter, scared beyond belief, hid behind Bad Ape-who was busy eating cookies in the midst of all of this.

This is NOT going to end well!

“Uhh, Koba?” Preacher’s past look of confidence was gone…Possibly due to the fact he was now talking to the very ape who started the whole Human-Ape War to begin with. “Not to ruin your dreams of mass murder, but the Disney Empire kind of rules the world and…Well, Mickey Mouse is their pet. If you kill him, I’m 99% sure you’ll get the death penalty AND be cursed a thousand times over.”

Koba frowned at him, looking as though he was contemplating adding the young soldier to his ‘death list’. “Stupid human! Am already dead! They! Can’t do! Anything! To Koba!” He then turned to Red. “Red. Follow?” He asked.

Red honestly didn’t know how to answer him. He still had more respect for Koba than he did for Caesar, and would still follow Koba but even he knew this was crazy…Easily even crazier than the time he declared war with Pope and Beardface over who got the last piece of caramel apple pie.

No one knows who won that war or what happened to that piece of pie but the kitchen was completely trashed when it was over and Cornelia was so mad, it looked as if her head was going to explode. It took THREE whole days to clean and fix that kitchen.

“…I…Don’t think we. Have enough bullets.” He said carefully.

Koba’s eyes went wide as he realized that was true. He wasted all the bullets on target practice! “Oh nuts!”

“It doesn’t matter if we fight them, Disney will likely ruin our franchise anyway!” McCullough fumed. “Look what they did with the Marvel and Star Wars franchise! They all suffer from Dead Horse Syndrome! Some people still love them, others are begging for them to die!”

“Colonel.” Caesar interrupted, trying to stop another one of his rants-to no avail. The Colonel’s face was actually turning pink as he went on.

“And lets not forget all the ANNOYING songs and musicals that only an idiot with no music taste would like! The cash-grabbing, lazy as fuck remakes that are absolute shit! And the worst of the worst! The Air Buddies!”

“Not Air Buddies!” Yelped Blue Eyes.

Koba growled, which made Red’s eyes widen. “You not plan. To kill puppies, do you?”

“No!” Koba half yelled at the rusted furred gorilla. “I kill! The MERCH!”

Preacher looked at the bonobo skeptically. “Koba…How do you _kill _something that isn’t _alive_?”

“BURN IT!” Koba yelled in response. “Burn it. In pit!”

“…Red likes puppies?” Asked Blue Eyes, in a less panic voice.

Red’s face flushed before twisting into a scowl. “I’m. Allowed. To like things!”

There was an awkward pause before Winter, finally, said something. “…I like puppies too…And kittens…And Barbies…And Hello Kitty…And cookies.” He finished by taking a cookie and eating it whole.

Another awkward silence but not as long as McCullough decided to continue ranting.

“Well, you minus well kill the real thing anyway! Those little HELLHOUNDS are the bottom of the barrel! The worst things that Disney EVER spawned and there’s a very good chance WE could end up just like them!”

“Colonel-” Caesar tried again. Still didn’t work!

“Or!” Great, he came up with another thing. “Worst then that! We end up just like The Lion King remake!”

“You don’t mean..!” Preacher wasn’t sure if he was legitimately afraid of what the Colonel was saying or if he was humoring him.

“Yup. The apes will turn into emotionless zombies that NO ONE CARES ABOUT!”

“NOOOO!!!!” Blue Eyes cried out. He almost fainted but Caesar caught him…Though the Ape King didn’t look happy about this idea at all.

“…The Hyenas…Scary though…” Muttered Winter quietly.

“…_Bad_ hyenas…” Agreed Bad Ape, holding his plush closely.

“That’s it!” Yelled Koba. “Now, I kill! The Lion King!”

Now Red looked annoyed. “First. Mouse. Then puppies. Now lions? Make up. Your mind, Koba!”

Koba’s fur stood up in anger. “How dare! You speak to Koba! Like that!” He yelled at the gorilla.

“You crazy!” Red yelled right back.

“Says block head! Who chose Koba! Over Caesar!”

“Oh, you bring _THAT_ up?!”

“Caesar!” Cried Rocket as he appeared from the kitchen with ice cream all over his face. “I eat! All ice cream! And still sad!”

Caesar sighed and motioned fro the balding chimp to come over which Rocket immediately did and cried on his friend’s shoulder while the Ape King patted his back comfortingly.

“See what you did, Sir?” Asked Preacher.

The Colonel blinked. “What?” He asked.

“This.” Preacher motioned around the room. “Red and Koba are arguing, Blue Eyes, Bad Ape and Winter are scared, Rocket’s crying his eyes out and Caesar’s annoyed as heck.” Preacher knew the Colonel was evil but…But this? This was a little much. Even for him. “You realize you caused mass panic here, right?”

“Yes, I know.” Replied the Colonel.

Now it was Preacher’s turn to blink at him. “Well…Why did you do it?”

McCullough kicked at the remote on the floor. “Because there’s nothing fun to watch on TV.”

…He…He did it for entertainment?!…Preacher was so shocked he couldn’t think for a second.

“Well-That’s not nice!”

“Since when did I care?”

This was going nowhere anytime soon. “Disney buying us doesn’t have to be all bad!” Preacher decided to change the subject. “Like what if they decide to give Red or Koba a surprise love interest like they did with Scar in The Lion King 2?”

“Never going to happen!” Yelled Red, interrupting the argument he was already having with Koba. “_No one_! Likes me!”

“_I _like you Red!” Interrupted Winter.

That caught Red off-guard. “Wait, what?”

Koba just glanced between the two gorillas, not sure what was happening anymore.

“_And_ since Koba is kind of the princess of our franchise, wouldn’t that make him a princess?” Preacher added.

Now Koba was off-guard. “What?!”

Red laughed at this. “Koba! Like Elsa!”

This infuriated Koba again. “OH HELL NO!”

“You moron! Koba can’t be a princess!” Yelled McCullough at Preacher.

Preacher, surprised by the Colonel’s tone, asked: “Why?”

McCullough sighed, annoyed that the soldier didn’t know. “Princess’s are supposed to be pretty. MALE APES! _AREN’T_ PRETTY!”

Preacher barely had time to react to the Colonel’s words before-

“Excuse me?!”

The two humans turned-only to find that ALL the apes in the room were now staring at them. Red and Koba stopped arguing, Bad Ape and Winter were looking up at them and even Rocket had stopped his crying fit and Blue Eye’s panic had ceased to stare at them.

It was Caesar who had interrupted them. He was giving them a death glare.

Preacher was scared the Ape King was actually going to try and kill them. “Did you really have to say that in a room FULL of male apes?” He whispered to the Colonel.

“We. Not pretty?” Asked Bad Ape, looking hurt.

“I…Want to be…Princess.” Winter looked equally sad. He looked like he was about to cry!

McCullough frowned at all of them. “Oh don’t you all get emotional! How many princess’s do you see with FUR all over their bodies or ridicules muscles? And how many of them are MEN?”

All apes, except fro Bad Ape and Winter, gave the man dirty looks. Clearly offended.

Caesar remained silent for a moment longer before finally muttering: “Ok.” He looked walked to the doorway. “All ‘male apes’ in this room, follow me.” He announced, putting both hands in the air and quoting the Colonel’s words.

McCullough was surprised to see that Red and Winter were among the apes following after Caesar. “Donkeys!” He yelled at them.

“F off!” Red yelled back. Winter only followed him closely.

Now alone in an empty room, Preacher glanced at McCullough. “We’re so dead.”

“No we’re not.” Said the Colonel. “Trust me, they’ll be back.” With that, he plopped onto the couch. “Now, let’s see if there’s something to watch.”

Preacher, too scared of what was going to happen next, shakily sat back down on the couch.

———  
_ A few minutes later!_  
—————-

McCullough and Preacher had completely lost themselves in a rerun of ‘Town of Horrors’ (a show about some kid who moves to a town where all his neighbors are monsters or supernatural beings) when suddenly-

“Hey, Dick-Head!”

McCullough choked on the cookie he had stolen from the abandoned tea party. Only _one_ chimpanzee would call him that!

“King Kong!” He yelled back as he got up from the couch.“How many times do I have to-“ He paused when he saw it.

“Still think. We not pretty?” Asked Caesar, who was dressed as Anna…He had even gone so far as to put some tiny braids in the fur on his head. Daring him for an answer.

Maurice and Luca (who weren’t even in the room in the first place!) were frowning at the Colonel in disgust like their leader was. The pink Aurora dress popped out like a highlight against Luca’s dark fur while the Merida dress matched Maurice’s own fur.

Blue Eyes was hiding his face in his gloved hands. The Cinderella outfit was literally matched his eye color. “I hope Lake. Not see this.” He grumbled in embarrassment.

The sleeves on the Snow White dress were kinda silly in contrast to Rocket’s muscular arms but the colors were (admittedly) not bad on him. His issue was the ribbon on his head, as he was struggling to tie it.

“Am I. Pretty, Red?” Asked Winter happily-who was wearing a Rapunzel dress that, honestly, complimented his white fur.

“Shut up, Winter.” Growled Red. The Colonel almost snorted when he saw Red. The yellow Belle dress made the gorilla look like a giant cupcake!…It actually didn’t look too bad on him (minus the glitter comping off and getting in his fur) but he was obviously not happy about it.

Koba and Bad Ape were standing next to each other-which was kinda funny as Bad Ape clearly loved his Ariel outfit but Koba, dressed in an Elsa dress and his own fur-hair braided on one side, looked more like he was one comment away from grabbing a gun.

…They were dressed as princess’s! Disney princess’s!

McCullough, dumbfounded by this, just stared at them in shock.

Preacher, meanwhile, only smiled in amazement. “Dudes! You all look awesome!”

McCullough met Caesar’s gaze. Then, finally, he smirked at him. “Ok. Fine, you win this round, Kong.”

“Damn right I do.” Caesar coldly replied.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Planet of the Disney Apes - Discovery Channel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737036) by [Squickqueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squickqueen/pseuds/Squickqueen)
  * [Planet of the Disney Apes – Peace, Joy, and Pancakes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25729831) by [Squickqueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squickqueen/pseuds/Squickqueen)
  * [Planet of the Disney Apes – Five Apocalypses and one Christmas Day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28291770) by [Squickqueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squickqueen/pseuds/Squickqueen)


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